…but I can’t.
As you would imagine, we had better things to do over the last couple of weeks than clean, so we really need to get on it. Plus, Holly HATED the vacuum cleaner and I didn’t want to stress her out. Now there’s fur everywhere…but it’s mostly Holly’s fur. Sunday is always clean sheet day at our house, but I couldn’t wash our duvet cover – not only is it covered in her fur, but it also has some slobber stains (gross, I know…since she couldn’t move herself in the last few days, she would lie in one position for a while and end up drooling a bunch). She was eating from her bed, and there are a couple of bright green/yellow spots where she spilled her food. Her bowl is on the counter, exactly where I left it last Wednesday night when I cleaned it out after dinner. I started working downstairs at the dining table when we thought she was having arthritis pain so that we could minimize stairs…since she wanted to be touching me, she would lie under the table, even though hopping under there and manipulating herself was kind of difficult, and the last time I worked there, I pushed my chair way out of the way into kind of an odd place so that it would be easier for her to get out. I’m not ready to move it back yet, even though it’s just kind of sitting there.
Holly was supposed to get her 3rd chemo treatment today. Last night, I mentioned to my husband that today we should be celebrating the fact that she is 3/4 of the way done with chemo. A Flying Dutchman-worthy event if there ever was one! Then he reminded me that, no, we really should have been celebrating that she was half done with her chemo because she wasn’t supposed to have a heart complication – she was supposed to have the originally planned 6 chemo treatments. Then we realized that we were both wrong…today should have just been a Wednesday. Right now, I would be in my office rather than sitting on my couch downstairs because I’m not ready to work in my normal environment without her sitting next to me yet. Tonight, we would snuggle on the couch and watch bad TV. She would yell at Clyde if he tried to come too near our dinner (he tries to stick his nose up by the food, and would have no qualms about stealing it, so she always guarded it from him…it was very useful!). I would get her dinner ready while she did her happy food dance and drooled all over the floor. Maybe this weekend we would go for a big hike.
I can’t believe that it’s been a week since our last full day with our Holly. After she got diagnosed, I usually sat with her every night before bed and scratched her and talked to her so that, no matter how busy the day was, we had some quality time together so that we could really connect. Last Wednesday, I didn’t do it. It was late and I was so tired…I just gave her a quick scratch and got in bed. Since she was on the bed, I rested my feet up against her so that we would be touching. We were still trying to figure out what our plan would be if her leg didn’t start to improve, but we had basically decided that we would watch it through the weekend no matter what, so we definitely had a few more days with her. Plus, she had shown some improvement that night when she peed and pooed before bed without prompting from us and started licking her leg, which made me think that she might be getting some feeling back. It never occurred to me that that night would be her last. I want so badly to go back to that night and sit with her so that we could have our nightly chat and so that I could relax her by massaging her back a little bit, then scratching around her ears, under her chin, and on her tummy.
It feels like, if I leave things exactly the way they were when she left, she might come home. Maybe today she’s just at the vet for her chemo treatment and she will come hopping in the door any minute now. If it looks like she was just here, it feels more like she was just here. I know her fur and her drool aren’t real connections to her…but somehow having something, anything that she left makes me feel a little bit better.
I know that sometime soon I will have to vacuum and wash my duvet cover. I will have to put her bowl away. As time moves forward, there will be less and less physical evidence that she lived here. I’m not there yet. For just a little bit longer, I want it to look like she never left.
I find your writing to be compelling reading because you are expressing so many feelings and thoughts that I have also had. I can identify with it so much.
Don’t expect too much from yourself . The first week is the hardest. Saturday will be 8 weeks since Magnum left and her bowls are still sitting untouched in their usual place. I haven’t been able to move them yet. I even look at the floor and curse the fact that there aren’t lots of hairs everywhere anymore.
Just take one day at a time. It does get better but ever so slowly.
Karen and Spirit Magnum
just ‘be’. you don’t have to meet any specific schedule, or have a ‘to do’ list…when it feels right to do laundry, you will. when it’s time to put up holly’s bowl, you will. give yourself time to grieve, and to miss your girl – you’ve earned it, and you need it. eventually you will find yourself ‘moving forward’, baby steps are fine…we all start as babies. sending our best to you guys.
charon & spirit gayle
The first weeks are so hard. And I remember the not-want-to-clean thing too. You have to take your time with these things and just get through them.
Thinking of you guys.
Jackie
Awwwww.
You have every right to not vacuum, not wash or not do anything. You have experienced a great loss. Leaving your house as is, is perfectly fine.
To this day, I still find myself hoping I’ll find a stray piece of old fur. For the longest time, I would cry when I vacuumed because I didn’t want to be done with the fur on the carpet. To this day, I still haven’t vacuumed a place in my closet where Comet liked to lay while I was getting dressed. No one is going to see it but me so why should I? Maybe when you find yourself ready, you can save a place that no one sees and leave it alone too.
Sending you peaceful and warm thoughts.