…is something that I have to work at sometimes these days. It has been, to say the least, a pretty rough few months. Wednesday was 5 months since Holly left us. I miss her constantly. Time has helped – I no longer feel like I’m going to die right along with her, but it still feels like someone reached into my chest and ripped out half of my heart. There are still days when I want to yell and sob and wallow in the unfairness of the world. But…every time I get really upset, my husband reminds me of something. No matter how horrible losing her has been, even though her time with us was too short, we are the luckiest people in the whole world because we got 9 years with Holly. I am so thankful for every day that we had with her. One of my big frustrations was that she didn’t really have side effects from chemo and it seemed to be working for the moment, but it didn’t matter in the end. Really, though, it could have been much worse, and I’m thankful that she didn’t have days where she felt really crappy. I’m thankful that she recovered well from her surgery and that she was able to have pain-free days, that she was able to enjoy herself again, that she was able to go on walks and play fetch. I could go on forever – once I start thinking about her, there are an infinite number of things that I am thankful for.
It’s also been 5 months since Clyde was diagnosed with cancer. I am so angry that we are having to deal with this again. With the chemo not working, knowing that our time with him will likely be shorter than we originally hoped, I just keep thinking “COME ON! You’ve got to be kidding me. Why can’t we catch a %^$#(%* break??” On the other hand, knowing what it is like to get just 7 weeks after the diagnosis, it’s a little bit easier to be thankful for even 5 months. I’m thankful that Clyde has, for the most part, been happy and has felt well…for the most part, you would barely know that he’s sick. I’m thankful for every day that we have had with him since we found him, and I’m thankful for however many days there are to come. I’m very thankful that he loves going to the vet!
I am thankful for our phenomenal oncologist, and for the wonderful support staff at the hospital. They have taken such good care of Holly, Clyde, and us. I am beyond thankful for this community and the wonderful people here who have been by our sides every step of the way. Without your support , advice, and understanding, it’s hard to imagine how we would have made it through the last few months.
It is really easy for me to get lost in sadness and anger about our situation. I know that there are some really tough days ahead. But I will try, at least sometimes, to remember all of the things that I have to be thankful for.
Finding the good while in the middle of all of the heartache is one of the hardest things a human can do. You, however, have managed to go deep within and find it, which means that your heart is indeed healing, and that you will get through this. It’s difficult to see this end result now, but eventually you will, when you least expect it. Until then, you can lean on us anytime.
And never forget, it is we who are thankful for you too, for sharing your stories, the good and the not so good, for showing others that through it all we do survive in so many ways. Thank you for taking the time to be there for everyone as well.
Sometimes it can be hard to realise what we have to be thankful for. It is human nature to look at things and wonder how they could have been better, not be thankful that they aren’t worse. I’m glad that you can see the good things. It doesn’t mean the unfair sucky things aren’t there but if you can focus on the things to be thankful for it does help ease the pain.
I’m so sorry that you are going through cancer again with Clyde. I can’t imagine how emotionally draining that would be. We are here for you, we will always be here for you.
Hugs
Karen and Spirit Magnum
Alex, I don’t know if I’ve shared this with you before, but you are one of a handful of people who took me from the point of inspiration to action. For weeks I read your blog without commenting on it or publishing any post of my own. I would read you entries and the “voice” in your writing was reflective so much of my own that I was instantly drawn and captivated by yours and Holly’s journey. How you spoke about your experience, so honest, so raw. I admired it, but wasn’t sure that I could or wanted to do it myself. I did though. And I continue to post. My boy Bruno crossed Rqinbow Bridge two months ago yesterday. And, I just wanted to thank you for giving me the courage to share my journey. I have the anecdotal journal of our story and battle recorded forever. It has helped me and hopefully with help other. Look forward to hearing more from your clan and about Clyde. Holly was and remains a beautiful soul which will live forever.
Maricela and Spirit Bruno
http://bruiserbruno.tripawds.com/
Thinking of the beautiful Holly as this anniversary approaches that none of us wants to have. Lots of love and virtual hugs are being sent to you Alex. I still think of you, Holly and Clyde often.
Karen, Spirit Magnum and Ruby