3 years later

3 years ago yesterday, I said goodbye to my beautiful Holly.

I’ve been away for so long – most of you probably don’t know me, but I had been thinking of coming back to write this post and then suddenly, today, there were messages in my inbox saying that I had comments to moderate on Tripawds. They were just spam, but still, it was so crazy to me that they appeared today of all days and, I don’t know, I was drawn back here and decided to go ahead and write this.

I cried myself to sleep last night. Even after 3 years, I miss Holly so much. I miss her every day. Many times, thinking of her, looking at pictures or videos, can now make me smile…but there are still days when it just flat out hurts. I keep her with me – I have a ring with her name on it that I always wear. I also have this amazing necklace with her picture on it.

She is just in my heart….always.

There was so many things about Holly that were so special, but one of the things that really made her unique to me was how she always, always knew when something was wrong and always so badly wanted to help me and take care of me. She had an incredibly expressive face and, I swear, I could see concern in her eyes. As long as I live, I will never forget the one and only time that she jumped up on my bed all on her own after her surgery. I was really sick – I had been in the ER overnight – and I was in bed, in pain all day. Holly looked at me, and with a look of absolute pure determination, she launched herself up onto the bed, curled herself in the crook of my legs, and didn’t leave for hours. I was mom, I was in pain, and whatever it took, she was going to take care of me. That was just Holly.

I would miss Holly no matter what, but after she left, my life changed in ways that I never could have imagined, and I have needed her so very much. Much as I adore my two remaining dogs – one of whom, I must admit, is my doggie soul mate – neither of them has that gentle, caring energy that she did, and it is such a loss.

A few months after Holly died, my husband was in a horrible accident that left him in a coma, with a severe traumatic brain injury. Just 11 days after his accident, with him still in ICU, I was forced to let Clyde go too – I had known it was coming, but the timing and having to do it alone, without my husband (who Clyde absolutely ADORED), left me completely crushed, on top of everything else that I was dealing with at the time. My other dogs have gotten me through it all – I wouldn’t have gotten through the last 3 incredibly difficult  years without them, but there have been countless times that I have so desperately wished that Holly was here to lay her head on my lap, look up at me with her soulful eyes, and catch my many, many tears.

My husband has healed a lot, but will never be remotely the same. One of the hardest things is that his memory is severely impaired – not only does he have trouble forming new memories, but also lots and LOTS of his pre-accident memories are missing. That includes the day Holly died, and most of her cancer fight. It breaks my heart that we can’t look back on those times together. He didn’t remember that yesterday was the anniversary of her death, which somehow made it even harder. It hurts even more to carry the burden of the loss (and the loss of our Clyde) alone. He loved them both so much, and he can’t even grieve for them.

I’m so sorry to all of you who have come after us, but so glad that Tripawds is here to guide everyone through this difficult journey. Even years later, I remain incredibly grateful for this wonderful community that helped us through Holly’s and Clyde’s cancer fights. Above all, I am so grateful for the nine years that I had with my beautiful, funny, loving, sweet, gentle, snuggly, brave Holly. I love you, Beans, and I always will.